


Alone in the Darkness

by Grinder1833



Series: Missing Moments [28]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-20
Updated: 2012-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinder1833/pseuds/Grinder1833
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noah heads back to the rehab facility after spending Christmas with the Snyders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. They are the property of "As the World Turns" and P&G.  
> Author's Note: A special THANK YOU goes out to "escapes" for the beta.

Noah was beginning to wish he could have convinced Lucinda to allow him to go back to the rehab center instead of staying overnight at Lily and Damian’s. She had denied his request, stating that her pilot was spending Christmas with his family and wouldn’t be able to work until the following afternoon. This was most likely the truth, but when one was dealing with the clever Lucinda Walsh one never knew for sure. Noah wouldn’t put it past her to make him stay overnight so he could have extra time with Luke to work through their issues. 

That hadn’t happened. As soon as they returned from the farm Noah had made an excuse that he was tired from the long day so he could go right to bed. The protest he’d expected to come from Luke hadn’t happened. Maybe Luke thought Noah had outstayed his visit. 

Hadn’t Luke pushed him out the door to the rehab center in the first place?

Luke had done it for his own good. It wasn’t like he wanted Noah out of his life. 

Noah wished that he could shut off his mind and stop trying to answer the endless questions that seemed to be cluttering it. All Noah wanted to do was fall asleep, which wasn’t happening because he was so aware that he wasn’t in his room at the rehab center in Lake Forest. The smells were different. The center had a hospital type aroma which he was beginning to get accustomed to much to his own dismay. This house, this room was more like home – Luke. He tried so desperately not to think about Luke. 

It was next to impossible – especially trying to sleep here in the room where they’d made love for the first time and many times after. The bed he was trying to sleep in had been in their bedroom at the apartment. A lump formed in Noah’s throat at the thought of their apartment. It had been the first place in his life that was truly his own home. His dorm room never felt like home. And even as much as he loved living at the farm it was still wasn’t his very own place. Noah desperately missed having his own home. And now, with this, it felt like he’d never have that again.

Noah wasn’t a fan of Damian Grimaldi, but he was grateful that Damian had taken care of moving his things from the apartment. As much as he loved it, Noah knew that returning there would break him. Some of the happiest times in his life happened there. He doubted that he’d ever be that happy again.

Sighing, Noah rolled onto his back and then stilled. He was no longer alone. There was another presence in the room. He could sense it.

“Luke?” he called out into the darkness.

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were still awake,” Luke said quietly.

Noah sat up in bed, hugging the blankets to his chest although there was nothing to cover since he was sleeping in an old t-shirt and sweats. Well…maybe he was trying to hide the fact that he was sleeping in one of Luke’s old t-shirts. If Luke saw it, he’d probably read way too much into it. Noah just liked the shirt. It had nothing to do with the fact that it had once been Luke’s.

“Oh? So you were just going to stand there and watch me sleep. How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t like to be stared at?” Noah demanded, his sightless eyes fixed forward, staring into the darkness. 

Damn it! He hated not being able to see Luke. 

“Sorry…I…uh…just couldn’t sleep,” Luke said, his voice getting closer. Then the mattress dipped as Luke sat down on it. “I miss sleeping with you, Noah. I haven’t slept well since the accident.”

“Either have I.”

“Maybe I could…” 

“Crawl into bed with me?” Noah countered, his defenses on high alert. “No…it’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?”

Luke had a point there. Sharing the same bed again would feel awfully nice - being snuggled up with Luke, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. Noah always loved the how peaceful Luke looked when he slept. 

But he wouldn’t be able to see him…

“No. You should just go back to your room,” Noah insisted.

“This _is_ my room.”

“You know what I mean.”

Luke rested his hand on Noah’s thigh. “I know we love each other.” 

“That’s not --”

Before Noah could get out his entire sentence, Luke’s mouth was on his, kissing him softly. Noah sighed into the kiss, allowing his hand to come up and brush through Luke’s hair which felt longer than he remembered. Damn it. He couldn’t picture what Luke’s hair must look like now at this length. He wanted to fucking see his boyfriend. 

Noah started to pull away, but Luke chased his mouth, anchoring them together with a deep kiss. Noah moaned as his body traitorously responded to Luke’s kiss. His cock was getting hard. He hadn’t felt this much desire since the last time they made love, which was the night before the accident.

Betrayal…yelling…a flash of light…darkness…so much darkness…forever…

Luke’s hand brushed against Noah’s cock, bringing him crashing back to reality. He didn’t want it like this. 

“No…don’t,” Noah gasped, yanking his mouth away from Luke’s and pushing him away.

“Please, baby…please,” Luke’s voice was completely wrecked. 

Noah wanted to make Luke feel better, but he couldn’t fix this. He felt broken beyond repair. “No…I just can’t.”

“Ever? Are you ever going to want me again?”

The completely resigned tone in Luke’s voice made Noah ache a little, but he couldn’t bear the thought of making love to Luke and not being able to see his face when he comes ever again. So much of their connection was visual – the way their eyes would lock, the way they could communication with a simple glance or look. “You know what I want? I want to see. I want to be able to see you again. See your face when we --” 

Luke took Noah’s hand, squeezing it. “But you can still feel me…feel how much I want you.”

“Stop it.”

“You have to still love me,” Luke practically pleaded. “You’re wearing my shirt. You wouldn’t be --”

“Oh I thought it was one of mine,” Noah replied lamely.

“Well…it’s yours now,” Luke’s voice softened. “I gave it to you, remember? You always liked the way it felt and said that wearing it made you feel close to me.”

“It’s just a shirt.” Noah turned his head, hoping that it was dark enough in the room to mask his emotions. 

“Do you still love me?”

“I told you before that I do.”

“But you don’t say it like you used to.”

“Nothing is the same anymore.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way,” Luke insisted.

“Luke, just go…leave me alone,” Noah’s tone was ice.

“Fine.” Luke scrambled off the bed. “I’ll go, but you can’t keep pushing me away, Noah. I love you – no matter what. One day you’ll get that through your thick skull and just let me show you how much I still love you.”

Noah said nothing. Silently he sat there, even after he heard the door close, listening for the sound of Luke’s footsteps retreating. He wouldn’t put it past Luke to set up camp outside his door, but the footsteps disappeared down the hall followed by the sound of a door shutting. 

Noah got what he wanted. He was alone.

So how come he still felt like crying?

****

********

Noah settled into the plush leather seat of the limo for the drive to the airport where Lucinda’s jet waited to spirit him back to Lake Forest. Luke had tried to tag along for the trip back to the rehab facility, but Noah flat out refused to allow him to come. Thankfully, Lucinda had backed him up much to Luke’s dismay. The relief he thought he’d feel once he was away from Luke failed to come, instead he felt empty and alone as the car pulled out of the driveway.

He wasn’t really alone though. Lucinda was escorting him back to the rehab facility. He wasn’t quite sure if he was happy she was with him, because she was bound to use this time to try to grill him since he would be a captive audience, so to speak. 

“You really don’t have to come all the way back to the rehab facility with me,” Noah said, hoping that by some miracle he might be able to change her mind and just send him along by himself on the plane. 

“I’m not going to just ship you away like a parcel,” she replied as if he’d suggested she fly coach. 

“I can manage by myself.”

“I will not have you _manage_ ,” she said haughtily. “I take care of my own and you, my dear boy, are one of mine so I will stay with you until you are settled back into your room. You are family…even without that rushed adoption. I don’t know what that hospital was thinking trying to refuse you emergency care,” Lucinda carried on. “I’ll have you know they’ve been read the riot act. I wish Lily or Luke would have had the presence of mind to call me. I would have gotten results without all that mumbo jumbo – not that I mind having you as my newest grandson, but Luke should not be your adoptive brother.” She squeezed his hand.

Right…technically Lucinda was his grandmother now. But Luke was also his brother which was weird and just plain wrong on so many levels. 

“I appreciate you arranging for me to come home for Christmas,” Noah said, trying to change the subject. Noah preferred to pretend the adoption had never happened. He’d have to find a way out of it once he got his life in order.

“You could have stayed longer if you would have liked.”

“I need to get back.”

“Are you sure you didn’t need to get away from my grandson?”

Noah remained silent. He really didn’t want to talk about Luke – especially with Lucinda. Luke was her golden boy. Sure…she has been known to call Luke out on his crap, but Noah had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen in this instance. Lucinda has only heard Luke’s side of the story while Noah was conveniently tucked away in Lake Forest.

“Luke means well,” Lucinda told him.

Yup…just as he figured. 

“It was those intentions that got me into this situation,” Noah bitterly replied.

“Really? This entire mess was all Luke’s fault? Did he set those fireworks off in your face?”

“No.”

“It was an accident – a horrible, tragic accident. No one is to blame.” Lucinda sighed. “And I believe deep down you know this to be true.”

Lucinda had hit on something. Yes…he did know that Luke wasn’t the one that blinded him, but he still set the chain of events in motion. The moment Luke ran to Damian, everything started to unravel. There was no denying it.

“Luke had no right running to Damian,” Noah insisted. 

“And, young man, I believe you had no business messing with those pyrotechnics,” Lucinda countered, not pulling any punches. The woman was truly a shark dressed in cashmere. 

“It would have been fine, but Luke distracted me.”

“Would it have? Do you know this for certain?”

“No…but…” Noah sighed. “Why didn’t Luke just trust me – trust us. I can understand if he needed someone to talk to, but if he wanted sound advice he would have gone to his mom, Holden, Emma or you. But no…he had to go to Damian of all people. He knew that Damian would have no problems taking care of Mason. And that’s what Luke really wanted - Damian to do his dirty work for him.”

“Damian's influence over Luke is worrisome,” Lucinda admitted.

“Lily seems to think they're alike – Luke and Damian. They’re both so passionate they don’t think before they act. She said we’re both lucky to be loved by someone like that.” Noah couldn’t help the bitterness from escaping. He hated to think of his sweet Luke turning into a ruthless monster who would sink to new lows in the name of love. 

“I have to strongly disagree with my daughter. That man doesn't know the true meaning of love,” she scoffed. “He doesn't love. He possesses. Acquires. Luke and Lily are his trophies. Luke is a Snyder…a Walsh. He loves with his heart. Luke is kind and generous and loves you so much, Noah. You are Luke's life. That boy would move mountains for you.”

 

“I don’t doubt that he loves me,” Noah said his voice almost a whisper. 

“Do you still love him?”

Noah nodded without hesitation.

“Then you need to stop punishing him for something that wasn’t his fault. You both made mistakes. Now you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on,” Lucinda instructed. “You two have your whole lives ahead of you. Don’t let one unfortunate turn of events ruin everything you’ve fought so hard for.”

Noah said nothing as the limousine came to a stop. It wasn’t that easy to just forget and move on, but he knew better than to tell Lucinda this. She wasn’t a believer in ‘can’t’ or ‘won’t’. No one could understand what he was going through. _No one._

****

********

Noah sat on his bed at the rehab center, holding the socks Luke had given him for Christmas while he listened to the mix CD Luke had made for him. He was impressed by the amount of thought that had gone into the song selections. Each held a special memory. Whether it was Cyndi Lauper’s _True Colors_ or Bob Segar’s _Old Time Rock and Roll_ , which Noah had done a horrible Tom Cruise impersonation dancing around the apartment in his underwear to Luke’s enthusiastic catcalls. Every song brought back a happy, vivid memory.

Noah wanted to call Luke to tell him that he enjoyed the CD, but he stopped himself, knowing that a simple phone call could lead to heartache. Nothing was simple anymore – especially when it came to Luke. 

Luke’s gift had been so thoughtful, but Noah had found a way to ruin the moment. He was filled with so much anger and rage. Luke seemed to be the one who felt the brunt of it. And he didn’t deserve it, but Noah also knew that Luke loved him so much that he’d do just about anything for Noah – even if it meant being his personal punching bag. 

It wasn’t fair to act as if Luke didn’t know what he was going though, because he did on some level. Luke had been paralyzed, fearing that he may never walk again. He’d lashed out at Noah, tried to push him away – everything Noah was doing to Luke now. Luke’s actions didn’t deter him. And even if Luke had never made it out of that chair Noah knew his love for Luke wouldn’t have waned. 

So how come he was afraid that Luke might be only staying with him out of guilt? Or that Luke would tire of a boyfriend who couldn’t see? 

Noah wished he were better with words so he could try to explain to Luke what he’s feeling. The life he had envisioned for himself was gone. He was fucking terrified. 

What if he forgot what Luke looked like? What if he was never able to lose himself in those deep brown eyes again? 

What if he was never able to see another movie again? Noah hated to think that he’d never see Dorothy step out of her black and white world into the colorful Land of Oz. 

There had to be a way to get his sight back. Dr. Logan had said that the blindness might be temporary when he first removed the bandages. Noah clung to that small shred of hope – even when appointment after appointment yielded no good news. There had to be someone out there that could restore his eyesight. Noah would find a surgeon who could help him. He wouldn’t give up until he could look into Luke’s eyes again.

Noah knew that once he could see Luke again his life would be complete and then they could go forward again, together.


End file.
